Dwang.

I feel cursed with my own inclination to get drawn into destitution. The dilemmas are consistently easy but the answers prove to be so ambiguous. Can you want a woman you try to hate? Can you love the alcohol you despise every morning? Can you enjoy shivering pain and tribulation? Can you feel comfort in desolation? The truth occasionally hurts so much, I cannot bear. How am I supposed to be confident when I can’t even trust myself? They say time will bring answers, heal wounds. I say time, what the hell are you waiting for? Or am I dreaming once again? Some dreams are better when they end..

Advertenties

The Fighter

He was young when he was first noticed, maybe 17 or so. They knew he could go places he’d never dreamed he’d go. It was a certain something, for him impossible to hide. Dynamite in his heart, he’d sweep anyone aside. So they nicknamed him the Fighter and he lived up to his name. Any woman that felt it, never came out quite the same. A man the world just loved, carrying him on their shoulders while showering him with prayers. He took a beating now and then but stood there young and though; never thought of backing up when the going got too rough. It came down like a shockwave, but he’d still take all the beatings. And that avalanche of punches eventually took it’s toll. Like a constant drip of water wears down the hardest stone. 

They all saw it coming, the inevitable fall. But he couldn’t stop living this way, he didn’t know any other way at all. I saw him struggling again last night and I wish I had been spared. The sight of that poor old wreck, for whom nobody no longer cared. His eyes had lost its sparkle. It really felt pathetic, the way he was stumbling through the wind. Anyone could see that he should have begged for mercy. But all he was thinking: I have to be strong and keep fighting. But the Fighter only fought one man. He will fight until it becomes his own killing.

The Highest Stakes

The wide world can hear the voices in my head

Time for me.

I fail to oblige; there’s so many paths

I get lost

I lose myself

I lose the world

I lose.

She could be my holy grail

after all these tries

I once more fail

and return with weeping eyes.

Will she please miss me like I do?

because I’m always tired but never of you.

She brought me the light

now only sleeping pills make me feel alright

I type so slowly

and failed to pay for birthdaycoffee

While she holds my hand

I know: this will never end

But we’re moving too fast

and the words start to feel familiar at last.

The usual: “I’m sorry, but it’s not you

so don’t worry…”

In Disguise

You came to me when I wasn’t looking for anyone. Tired of battle, I had finally given up and I was ready to forget all but me. Years of combat, years of labour had worn me out. Just when I was standing on the edge of the cliff, ready to jump, leave behind the hardship, there you were. I never saw you coming and had no intentions to change course. You proved me wrong. I kept thinking I was running away from the pain but you confused me, lured me in. In the end, after a delightful journey, I found myself even beyond where I started. Rock bottom has a basement.

You, fascinating lady, snowflake in the sun. You, sheep in wolf’s clothing, bringer of light, please let me run. Stop stealing my sleep at night.

August 27

Come to me
Like you’ve done before
Or make me come
Enrich my life, my heart and future
Like you do so well
Make me forget all the wrong of the past
Make me feel like I belong
Belong to you, to your heart
And let me do the one thing I’m a good at
Let me do you like I’ve always pictured it
From the moment I first laid my eyes on you and saw the rest of the world fade
I knew I had to have you
And now that you’re here, there’s just you me and all I want
But baby please
For once, please don’t leave and take this all away again
Do stay.

Stirrings

I feel for you
I like you, miss you, envy you, admire you, I love you
Filled with joy
When you’re around
I wear the sweater you like on me,
Try my best, believe what my heart says, feel what I say.
I forget you, see her
I like her, miss her, envy her and admire her, I love her
You, I forgot
I see you, forget her.
I love you, yet there’s no feelings.
I have stirrings for you, for her.

Troubled vision

Change, should I?
Change I can
say I
Progress I make
I think
To eventually end up realizing nothing but baby steps are made
“Annoying” you, me, surroundings
Laughter, shame
Attempting to sit it out
But seeing just negativity
Seeing connections, memories
It stabs me, haunts me
How would you feel
I wonder
Wonder how your eyes see
How they would see me
My vision is troubled, I try to hide it
Where no one can find what I hide
But my biased eyes betray me once again.